hold me tight, keep me safe in your arms. because in your arms i long to be. you make me warm, you make me smile. all i ask is for you to keep me safe. i know that in my heart i wil always be safe in your presence.
I don’t understand the need certain people always have to be right or to think that all of their thoughts are correct. And I also don’t understand how people can be so cruel to their children, is it wrong to use harsh words toward another that has hurt you? Or is it best to sit there and wallow in self pity? Yet again I try pick myself up. It’s starting to become difficult. As time goes on… but I guess life’s a drag. Tbh. I’m exhausted. I’m pushing myself hard. Trying to find something to hold on to, make me smile. Someone I’m thinking of is making me smile. That’s always a good thing I guess. Good old faith, how I love you oh so deeply. x
I think… Today I’ve really learnt something. Really felt the pain of someone else, Thought in an unselfish Manner - And let me tell you, it hurts. I can feel that giant pool of fear and sadness. Of not knowing what’s to come next; or what I’m meant to expect. It’s frightening. And I’m worried that I’m gonna have to travel this journey alone. Make a wish. Take something important, strong and thrilling. Hold it in your heart and believe. Hold on to it and have hope, because if you open your mind to greater opportunities, possibilities, then maybe something great could be right around the corner. what I do know is life is a beautiful journey. Not a scary one.
Last night I opened my heart to someone who opened theirs up to me, what I opened I now can’t close. And that’s the most frightening thing of all, realizing what you’re really feeling and trying to come to terms with it. I don’t like what I’m feeling. It’s like a kids sad attempt of a collage – random colors, pictures and sayings slapped on a piece of paper, making no sense whatsoever. I wanna scream, give up. Crawl into my mum’s lap and be a child. But I know I can’t do that. I feel like a giant gash has been cut through my world, and now all of me is seeping through, and I’m unable to hold it in, unable to stop it. So instead of disappearing, I’m spilling my heart onto paper…
You know that feeling you get when it feels like no one understands? And then one person finally gets how your feeling and for once you actually feel like the world makes sense and you’re not just a confused little lost lamb. I guess that all narrows down to understanding your feelings. And that takes time. It lurches and lulls and drags on forever, it pulses and then, it passes. Gone, like a flash, or a quick blink. The pain never goes away though. Pain is harsh… It eats you up. Brings you down, makes you someone you’re not and then changes who you will always be. It’s sometimes selfish. It kills you. But sometimes pain makes you feel alive, makes you know what you felt was real, brings sense into so many different things. Where you thought sense could never be made. No matter how hard you try to take away the pain, cover it with a band aid. It won’t always work, there will always be memories of it, flashes of the past… And even, a fear for the future – I think that’s the worst, worrying about what’s to come, rather than dealing with what’s here.
That’s when overcoming it is the only option, once you’ve accepted the pain. And you’ve taken it in to make it your own that’s when you realize that sometimes people are out to get you, and not everyone in your life is there to improve it. I think that’s finally when you can start to feel yourself again – when you come to understand you may not be the problem – then you know who you are. You can begin to breathe in life, love, and laughter again. it give you a much bigger and brighter understanding and beauty of things you never thought we’re ever possible to understand. That’s when the positive happens; Learning from the pain. In the end you’re a bigger better person for it. No matter what people try, do, or say; you either accept what you did was wrong or realize that the pain wasn’t your fault. Either way…. you need to take the good things out of it. Or your just gonna go down hill… and then there’s no telling how long its gonna be before you can pick yourself up again.
In saying all this, there will always be someone who is going through so much more then you. Find who you are, don’t lose yourself. When you lose yourself that’s when you have to choices. Loose who you were, or who you are. Either way, I ask you. Make sure the person you turn out to be someone who is noble, someone who has learnt from their mistakes and grown. Don’t be the kind of person who’s afraid to admit their wrong. That’s the kind of person who gets jealous and bitter easily. Why would you wanna be like that? That’s the type of person who makes you feel that ‘pain’.
When you take that step, to make a hard decision to help yourself, things are so scary for so long, then someone new might come into your life and shine a torch in the right direction, don’t be afraid, be trusting, and confident, don’t walk into the shadows, just take the persons hand and hopefully they can help lead the way. I hate feeling like there’s a huge hole in my heart. Because even though, in time, it will heal, there will still be flashes, memories of how that hole got there in the first place, I think once you realize your over something or someone, it hurts just as much as when the scar was left in the first place, the good thing about a scar though, is it means the wound is healed, the pain is gone, and there is a remnant of the time you had with that person to be there with you forever, take the good out of it and that scar will become a part of you, and who you are. My scars aren’t yet healed, but I can’t wait for the day; before I said make a wish, and hold it in your heart. I have my wish, and its there, in a firm secure safe place, and if I keep glancing at that wish, and believing in it with all my heart, then I know, it will eventually come true. Our part of it will, and that part will remain with me forever. Sometimes you want what you really can’t have.
Right now it’s hard to write down how I feel. To think that when I look at this paper, and see that this is how I feel. It saddens me. Even when I say your down, people don’t listen, you get people still yelling at you, telling you you’re not doing things right, and making you feel like you’re not good enough. No matter how hard you try to do or say the right thing, in the end your wrong. Those are my cards. I’ve been dealt a bad hand, but as I say time and time after again. It’s the way I play my hand that depicts how my life will turn out. So far, the cards have been all bad. Feels like someone’s playing a joke on me; wanting me to suffer just so they can get their kicks out of it
The words aren’t as free flowing as they used to be. for once I can actually say I’m not okay and accept it. Accept that I am on my own and I do need to fight this battle for myself and what I want. What I want is more important than anyone else’s wants or needs. Yet I still take people into consideration. If you expect too much from people then that’s asking for trouble. This is the part where I get lost. Having all these thoughts and all these different emotions and having no idea whatsoever what to do about them. Thinking that maybe everything that’s gonna happen is gonna be bad. Hansel said to Gretel “let us drop these breadcrumbs in reminder of our path, because losing our way would be a fate most cruel”. I’ve lost my way this year. This is usually the part where you expect a white knight to turn up, sweep you off your feet, and tell you everything will be okay. Sometimes someone does come along. Do you trust in them to help you? Or do you shy away. Take that leap of faith, and maybe just maybe. They will help you find the breadcrumbs you lost so very long ago. Fight for truth! Fight for love! Find your path. And stick to it.